Many mystical or spiritual traditions describe experiences of ego-dissolution – where personal identity fades, the boundaries between self and others disappears, and a profound sense of oneness with the divine, nature, or the universe emerges.
For those of us ordinary people who aspire to do good in the world yet remain firmly attached to materiality – such moments of ego-liberation are rare.
What’s not rare are ego-blows—when the images we hold of ourselves, the ones we also want others to see, crumble, leaving our sense of self-worth bruised or greatly diminished.
Think of a failure, a rejection, a change in your professional role, or even a simple critique. Recall moments when your competence, morality, or even your lovability was called into question, and you doubted your own value.
Ego-blows are not the only issues ordinary good people face. They also deal with ego-shuffles – – when aspects of our identity change and we must come to terms with a sense of loss while preparing for something new to begin that is unknown and perhaps scary.
Think of changing careers, becoming a parent, getting sick or the inescapable, mortifying process of aging…
If you’re an Intense Creative type like me – a 4 on the Enneagram – ego-blow or ego-shuffle episodes are experienced with intense feelings.
I LOVED the idea of ‘aging’ until I didn’t look young anymore and wondered if my life was over.
To combat vanity, I let my hair turn gray and constantly remind myself that my needs for safety, satisfaction and connection are all met. What more could I want?
If you’re an Enthusiastic Visionary type like Jean-Pierre, my husband – a 7 on the Enneagram – you would probably be in denial of your ego-blows and even of your graying hair.
When our importance in the eyes of others seems to diminish, it doesn’t leave our ego unaffected. Our habitual defense patterns intensify, instead of dissolving. We over-explain, prove, shut down, work, blame, disengage, numb, obsess, hide, cover, and so on.
I’m not an expert on Wall Street or how the stock market works, but I’ve always been captivated by the inflation and deflation of the ego, the questions of self-worth and what it takes for us –– ordinary good people with a privileged life- to be content with our sense of inherent value and embody ‘being enough.’
It is unquestionable that the context we are born into—such as our nationality, race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, socioeconomic status, geographical location, family structure, and other factors—shapes our sense of self-worth, wealth, health and safety from the very beginning.
This context adds complexity to the path of finding sufficiency, both in terms of ‘having enough’ and ‘being enough.’
We each have our own journey with self-worth —sometimes needing to claim it, sometimes to turn it down, and, at times, to share it.
By using our own grounded sense of self, we can uplift, support, or validate someone else. As a colleague of mine wisely said, “when we have more, we give more.”
Taking perspectives, practicing daily gratitude for being safe and alive, or investing our intrinsic motivations, can help to sooth ego-blows and navigate ego-shuffles. Yet, in our pervasive Western world… it’s often not enough!
There are ego-blows that I’m still processing; they still ache inside me and there are identity issues I haven’t addressed yet or figured out how to address. But in my personal mythology – the personal narratives, symbols and stories that give meaning to my life- there is a path of liberation and compassion where ego-blows can be framed as portals to healing and transformation. So, I keep searching.
What about you? How will you make sense of your ego-blows? How do they fit into your personal mythology?
Notes: If you’d like to share your thoughts or ask a question, please send me an email. Unfortunately, I had to disable comments on my blog due to the overwhelming amount of spam I was receiving.